Live, Laugh, Love

This holiday season is proving to be more spirited than usual. I had an exceptionally good time doing my holiday shopping with an old friend. An old friend and I drove all over Portland doing our holiday shopping and had the time of our lives. Portland, Oregon at Christmas time is so beautiful you can just feel that holiday spark everywhere. Speaking of sparks, I had a strong crush on this friend a long time ago, now that he is back, I love him more than ever. He doesn't feel the same way and I doubt he ever will, but he let me unload so much that I haven't been able to say to anyone... things I wouldn't even post on this blog. He told me not to give up and that great guy could be waiting round the corner. I couldn't help but feel he was talking about me, but when he actually described the guy he wants the most, I didn't match a single detail. Maybe something could happen someday, but for now he's a great friend and that kind of love is all need for now.

As Far as school, I recently got back my grades and found four A's and one A-, making my overall GPA a 3.91. The semester that was as miserable as hell actually amounted for something. I'm finding the strength to smile about things again and I'm hoping this is the beginning of something wonderful. Who knows, but if anything is to happen, it is the season of miracles.

Maybe This Time

As many of you are aware my, advances with the theater department have proven unsuccessful. Not getting into plays is not the issue, I long ago got used to not being cast, my issue is the constant miscommunication. I have the hardest time trying to understand what people here want from me. I'm not even fully sure what I want necessarily. Here everyone expects me to know what I am doing and know what I want. What college freshman knows what to do and what they want!? I don't. Since when is it a crime to want to figure things out? Not only that, when I do anything wrong, people here either neglect to tell me, or they tell me I'm wrong but not why until the moment it would have been useful for me to know has past.

I sat down the other day and talked with my adviser. I told him that what I loved about the theater more than anything else was the euphoria that comes over you when you hear a round of applause. But that feeling only lasts as long as the applause does, which is an average of about ten seconds. I can't continue to be miserable for the three months it takes to put on a show and then only get to enjoy ten seconds of it. Ten seconds isn't enough. I went on to say that the theater department can't give me what I need and I can't give the theater department what it needs. I just can't be happy here.

"So what makes you happy?" he asked. I told him: "Writing, singing and cooking, but I would never do cooking as profession cause that would take all the fun out of it."

The next day I went down to the registrar's office, dropped my theater major, changed my writing minor to a writing major, and added on a music minor.

Once I had finished all of my finals, I went to pick up my essays from my writing professor. Not only did he give me all A's, but he liked my essays so much that he wanted to submit me to be featured in the academic showcase at the end of the year. If that weren't fantastic enough, I went and talked to the head of the music department about my minor. I told him about my aspirations as a singer and song writer and he even asked to hear some of my songs. Liking where I was going, he signed me up for private voice lessons for next term. I couldn't believe it. The first time I've been happy where it hasn't lasted just a few hours, was from me simply doing what I like best.

It's getting better round here, and don't think I've given up on theater. I will still try out for the plays, I just won't make them my life. I'm much happier in this direction and who knows where it will go? Maybe this time I'll be happier. maybe this time I'll have more fun. Maybe this time I'll win.

Silent Night

The holidays are fast approaching as are my fall semester finals here at Western, and strange as it is, I'm not looking forward to either. I don't know how three weeks at home with my family is possibly going to be beneficial to the state I'm in. I have currently been diagnosed with severe depression. Nothing I've done at Western seems to work, and everything I've tried to do seems to come up to a dead end. I feel I'm standing in a room with mirrors all around me, and all I see is a failure looking back. No matter what I do, I can't escape from this horrifying image. The place that was supposed to be a fresh start has turned into a living nightmare, and like with most nightmares, your body can't physically scream. I can't scream and I can't cry. For the first time in my life, I feel completely silenced. I don't have a voice on this campus. Soon it will be a new year, and maybe a miracle will occur, but for now, there is nothing positive in my life.

Don't Rain on my Parade

Too often on this campus, people have been telling me what I can and cannot do. More often, it's been what I can't. I can't sing in this choir, can't join this club, can't hang out with these people, can't join this church, can't be in this play. Frankly, I'm fucken sick of it all! When I didn't get into my school's most recent production, which just happened to be my all-time favorite show, I was greatly discouraged and didn't know whether or not to even continue auditioning at this theater, since nothing I've done has seemed to please anyone. I was sitting alone in my room feeling sorry for myself, deciding not to go to the student directed play auditions, and watching random youtube videos. Somehow, I came across a video of Barbra Streisand singing, Don't Rain On My Parade. I know its cheesy to be inspired by a Streisand ballad, but the main message of the song is; do what you want to do, not what people tell you, and if you fail at least fail on your own terms. At that moment, I shut off my computer and marched over to the auditions, saying to myself over and over again, "Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade!" I thoroughly enjoyed the auditions, and even though I didn't get cast, I finally feel that I made a good impression on someone. I was successful in those regards and now I don't feel like a complete failure. It hurts sometimes, but all any of us can do is keep going and tell the world to, "fuck off, this is my time to shine!

As If We Never Said Goodbye

I'm writing to you now from backstage at the third performance here at Western of William Inge's Picnic. I'm a little confused at the moment. I thought I hated theater,then opening night happened and this euphoria of bliss came over the cast. I started to remember what that felt like. People being so happy and excited and full of bliss and I started to feel it too. We didn't get a big crowd that night, but it couldn't stop that opening night high. Though I was only member of the crew, I too was seemed to be in that state of bliss, which helped me realize, I'm not meant to work backstage. I don't know if I will ever act professionally, but I'm not done with the stage. I could feel what I loved about the theater again. It was as if none of the bad stuff I went through in my last play two years ago ever happened. I went to the director after the show, blissfully happy, hugged her and said, "thank you for giving me my life back." She then thanked me for being part of the show. I walked out of the theater, tossed my head back and laughed. I laughed so hard I fell over. Theater destroyed me two years ago, but now it's brought me back to life. I'm not sure what to do now, but I know for a fact that for the first time since I got here, I am happy. Honest to goodness happy.

The Thing With Feathers

What gets us through the day? For some its coffee, others its food, working out, working in general, school, friends or faith. But what ties all of these together? It's hope. We all hope that everyday two things will happen; the daily routine we've grown accustomed to will still be intact, and that something out of the ordinary will occur and bring the ultimate joy into our lives .

These past few weeks at Western have been a test of everything. A test of my capability as a student, a test of my friendship and loyalty, a test of my ethical and political beliefs, and a test to my self-proclamation as a Christian.

I am willing to admit that I am not perfect, that I have a long way to go and that I will need to make changes in my life. But I also know I am good person, I am a Christian and that I will continue to grow as such. I have hope, and hope is what has pulled me through and will continue to pull me through.

Today in writing class, my teacher was reading us several definitions written by famous writers, and when he got to one by Emily Dickinson, all the book said was, "Hope is the thing with feathers." He and the rest of the class all thought that didn't make any sense. Then I said, "It's because that's not the whole saying," and then he asked, "So what is?" I then recited the phrase that I memorized when I was twelve, "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches within the soul." He and the class were dumbfounded that I knew it verbatim. The teacher than gave me extra credit for knowing it and wrote the missing half of the phrase into his text book.

I think I've remembered that for so long because I know and feel, that when all else in wrong in your world and mine, hope is still there inside us. Perched and ready for flight.

It Don't Mean a Thing, if You Ain't Got That Swing

Today has thrown me through a loop. I now understand that expression, because I literally feel like i just got off a roller coaster...in more ways than one.

The past two weekends, I have attended both mass and The Escape Church here on campus. The structure of the mass is what I'm used to, but the passion of the Escape is what I really want out of my church. Especially the music. The singing portion of the service is so well done, and has so much power in it, you can almost feel God present in the room. I wanted so badly to get up there and sing that I applied to join their band to perform every other Sunday (the musicians perform in rotations). They added me to the rotation, but then I found out that I have to meet one-on-one with the minister before I can be apart of the worship team. So today, he and I met up at a near-by Christian book store to chat on a casual level. We started out on an easy level, discussing simple things like the origins of burgers, hot dogs and pizza. Then we got to the point of the meeting. Only people who are Christian and practice what they preach can stand on the stage and perform.

The alarm in my head is going now off. I can talk about my belief in God without saying about my sexuality and I can stand and sing on that stage and sing all I want, but then I'll be lying, and the point of singing up there is to sing as an honest Christian. So I told him everything. About everything I've done and been through and I think I just might have left him in shock. He does want me to feel loved and welcomed at the Escape, but is not sure if someone engaging in homosexual acts is being a true Christian or not. For now he is unsure if he'll let me sing, so until he is, I am not on the musician rotation. He and I will be having some private sessions together to talk and discuss, and see if there is some common ground we can reach.

I am taken back by this, but I am not angry, the minister is trying his best, but does not yet understand what I feel and believe. Regardless I had an anxious stomach ache the rest of the morning which did not help when I was doing swing in my dance class later. I was thrown through physical loops this time, which were far more bearable than the emotional ones.

I hate having to prove myself to anyone, but that is the only was people ever have faith in you and what you wish to accomplish, is that you have proven yourself. I really want this work at the Escape, so I'm gonna really have to try and prove that I am a good Christian and worthy of being on that stage. I just gotta show them that I got that swing.

Never Have I Ever

Let's play a few rounds of Never have I ever. In the past week I've checked off all of these; never have I ever played World of Warcraft, never have I gone to a non-denominational church by myself and enjoyed it, never have I ever gone on a scavenger hunt in the middle of the night while dressed like the Phantom of the Opera, never have I ever eaten a chocolate sundae on pumpkin ice cream, and never have I ever felt so insignificant in my life!

Why do I feel so insignificant? I have known a certain person in my campus ministry group for a couple of weeks now. It wasn't until tonight that I heard his story. He has fought cancerous tumors all over his body for 15 years. He is the first person in recorded history to survive this particular cancer. He now works in hospitals and summers camps for cancer survivors, has written several books, speaks to groups of people by the thousands, and takes time out of his schedule to hang around with 8 crazy Catholic kids a week, who sometimes could care less if he's there or not. I feel like I'm standing before Christ when he's in the room.

How can he still smile after all that? He says that its not what God has done to him, but what God has put in his path for him to fight. And he has fought everything with grace and dignity. How can I go on acting like the asshole I am when I haven't been through half the shit he has. Something needs to change, and its not this young man, cause he's an angel.

Thank you God, I hear you loud and clear.

My Place in this World

There once was a young man who had troubles in his life. Some said it was because of bullying, others said he was unaccepted by his family, and some say he was depressed. One day he was gone from this Earth, and none of us will ever truly know what happened.

This story is a generalization, not a factual account. So many young men across the country seem to fit into this generalization, so instead of actually telling their stories, the media and both pro and anti gay rights activists have decided that its easier to lump these boys together as if they were all the same person. But they're not the same person. Not all gays who commit suicide are the same, not all gays are the same, no one is the same.

We are all struggling to find who we are and where we belong on this Earth. That's hard enough without the people in our lives telling us who we shouldn't be and the media telling us who we should be. We were all created as individuals. We were not meant to fit every positive or negative stereotype, we were meant to be ourselves, and no one, I repeat, NO ONE, has a right tell us who we are.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Its All About Not Knowing

Uncertainty is the driving force behind all great events. It forces people to question all sorts of things and when they test that curiosity they discover magnificent things that change both their lives and lives of people around the world. Mother Theresa wondered what would happen if she left her convent to help the poor and unfortunate, Thomas Edison wondered if there was a better way to harness electricity for light, Nelson Mandela wondered if the apartheid in South Africa could one day be illegal, and many others were all fueled by their curiosity and let uncertainty of what good or bad may happen, be a driving force for them to achieve their dreams.

So what does this have to do with me? You've all heard me talk about how much theater and the arts has caused me pain and how I have no desire to do it anymore. Everyday I'm in my theater classes, I feel the worst pain as I become engulfed in flash backs to the last time I was in theater. Its been a year and a half and I still can't let go of the pain. Every fiber of my being wants to quit and do something completely different that won't hurt so badly. But then I feel that if I leave I will always wonder what could have been if I stayed. My uncertainty has brought me to a crossroad and its ripping my heart down the middle.

The Good, The Bad, and The Irritating

I have a lot of mixed feelings about Western at this point in time. Sure the food is good, and the people care, but it just doesn't feel right. I don't fit in with any particular group, which isn't always a bad thing, except when you desperately want to belong. I love attending Catholic Campus Ministry though. They don't care that I'm not actually Catholic, or that I'm gay. As long as you can say a Hail Mary, they love you. But that's at one place once a week. What am I supposed to do with the rest of the time. I'm not liking the directing program thus far, its structured so that you act first than direct. I don't want to act! I HATE IT! I've been miserable in every play I've ever done, now it hurts every time i get on stage, even if its just for a few seconds. I hope I get to direct relatively soon, cause I just cant act anymore. I may have to switch majors. But to what? I have no idea what I want anymore.

Man out of you

Week two, so much has happened, here are the highlights:

~ My parents came and took me and my sister out to dinner at McGrath's fish house on Sunday for an early birthday celebration. Afterward, we drove back to my sister's house where a new pair of black leather boots and a white chocolate Irish cream cheesecake were waiting for me. It took me greatly by surprise considering that four of us have hardly been friendly towards each other for the last 6 months. It was nice to be in cooler climate in that area for a change.

~ On Monday, I finally started classes and got to meet our guest director/directing teacher from New York. She's so knowledgeable and yet so approachable, her class is what I look forward to the most during my week. I also auditioned for the play she's directing, Picnic, made it to call backs the following night, but did not get in. I was bummed, but mostly because I wanted so badly to work with her. I'm still in her class, so not all hope is lost.

~ Wednesday, I finally turned 19! It was a bit of a slow day, but come night time, some interesting events unfolded. I played several rounds of 21 over a carton of strawberry ice cream with chocolate syrup. We eventually made it so that who ever one a round had to take a shot of chocolate syrup (so much funnier than doing it with booze). After that, my friend Freddy came out into the main seating area and decided that was not enough for my birthday. He then arranged for the buffest men on our floor to dance around me in their sexiest boxers. I know you all think I must have loved it, but to be honest, it was extremely awkward. But I thanked everyone for thinking of me.

~ Thursday night, people thought it front page news that I need to know when Parker, the sexiest guy on our floor, is getting naked for the shower. When they didn't leave me alone, I stupidly went into the men's bathroom. Sure enough, Parker and his friends were all present and taking part in the joke. That was my last straw. I went into my room, shut the door, turned out the lights and covered my head with my pillow. This did not stop them from banging on my door for the next hour!

~ Friday, I didn't feel comfortable returning to my dorm, so I arranged to spend the weekend in an empty room in another dorm. I had to dodge people from Top Gunn all three days. I had decided to tell everyone at once, on Monday when they'd all be back at school, what had happened and why I was upset. No way was I going to tell one person and let it get tampered with before I got back to Top Gunn.

~ Sunday, I attended the student mass for the first time. There's a little chapel attached to a small house on the backside of campus where the mass is held every Sunday at 5 pm. It was sweet and simple, and the priest had a sense of humor, what more could you ask? Afterward, they served dinner; beef stew, garlic bread, grapes, and the most delicious butterscotch nut bars (YUM!) I sat and talked with the lady in charge, she was very welcoming and even more entertaining, she didn't care that I was gay of non-catholic and invited me back. I will definitely be going back soon.

~ Monday, I am now back in my dorm room with my roommate in Top Gunn. I got here at 7:30, like my RA and I had planned, and I explained to the group that I was not mad at any of them, but that they had misunderstood what I wanted and went overboard. I wanted no special attention be it positive or negative, I just wanted to be treated like anyone else on our floor. No half nude fashion shows, and no male nudity alerts. When I was done, they all told me that they loved me and respected me for the way I handled and addressed the situation and we all sat down for an epic game of Apples to Apples. I stepped up to the plate, even though it felt like riding the Supreme Scream at Knott's Berry Farm, I am now extremely proud of myself. I'm finally starting to feel like a man around here.

One Fish, Two fish, Small fish, Big Fish

It's now been one week since I arrived at WOU. In that amount of time, I've been to two dances, two auditions,three different club meetings, three motivational speakers, three games of Apples to Apples, and many late night chats with the other people in my dorm hallway, nicknamed, Top Gun. There's a siting area there called the Fishbowl where we talk about anything. Oddly enough, the other members of Top Gun find my sexuality to be something fascinating. No one has been cruel about it, but there have been a lot of questions; what is you type, how many guys have you been with, when did you come out, are you dating any guys at the moment, ect. Overall, I don't mind the questions and actually really like being able to talk so openly about. This one guy Parker, is the most muscular/masculine guy in Top Gun, and yet is very protective of me. Maybe he sees me as a little brother, I couldn't say, but he's helped so much in helping me feel comfortable here. I have met a few nice gay guys, but I don't see anything serious sprouting up yet. I just want to get used to the environment I'm in first. I've always felt like a big fish, well now I still feel like a big fish, but the pond is bigger, and there's all sorts of big fish here.

At the Beginning

So here I am at last; a freshman living in the dorms of Western Oregon University. This whole week is new student week, which has consisted of seminars, fish bowls, dances, games, and motivational speakers. The speakers have been amazing and the games are all fun, but its an adjustment nonetheless. I was at first terrified that my being gay would be a problem to my roommate, but much to my surprise, he didn't care that I was gay as long as I didn't care that he was Jewish. Neil Simon, write your play now.

On that same topic, the other people in my hall are all convinced that I'm straight. How the hell did this happen? Someone upstairs is laughing at me. I don't want to say anything to make people uncomfortable, but I'm in a hall full of over-sized jocks. I'm in a position I've never been in before. Someone please tell me what to do here?

Looking For Answers

There has been some discrepancies about the content and title of my blog. I would like to address a few of those in this post. For starters, my blog title is not a literal title to be exact. I am not a confirmed Catholic, a registered republican, nor am I quite yet a college freshman. As many of you know from reading my blog, I hate being catagorized into a specific group, so the title is mocking that, yet also these are groups that hold many of my strongest beliefs. Does that mean i fit perfectly to these groups? No. Does this mean I can't be members of these groups? Hell no! It just means I have many different beliefs from many different places, and while I love them all, I also mock them all, for the best things in life are the one you can mock the best.

There is also an even bigger issue about me calling myself Catholic, seeing as how I was never baptized, never took comunion, and have yet to be confirmed. No one has the right to tell you who you are or aren't! You know what you are in your heart and you know where you feel most at home. You don't need a piece of paper or a priest's blessing to know who you are. As a good friend of mine put it, "God doesn't check IDs at the door."
Which is a good thing, cause I have no ID, but I do know my idenity, and no one can take that away from me.

The Final Countown

Today marks the six-day countdown to when I finally get to Western. My miracle shall happen and my prayers will be answered. Never thought it would actually happen, but I'm almost there. I can't believe it, thank you God. I am also a lot happier now that I have quit taking my anti-depressants. It is against my doctor's wishes that I stay on them for six months, but I just can't take the mood swings. I have to decide what is right for me and what will make me happy. This is the countdown to a new life, to a new chapter, to my second chance. I'm a freshman once again, and these are gonna be four perfect years. Now I don't mean everything is going to be right all the time, but the right wrong things will happen, not the wrong wrong things that I let happen in highschool. Perfection is merely the right combination of imperfections. This time, I'll find the right imperfections in my life and let them work together. Its only when we find the right mismatched things that the pieces of our life begin to fit together properly. And my pieces are finally coming together.

Thank you God,
I finally feel blessed.

Brave

I recently came across a music video for Idina Menzel's song "Brave" and I have very little to say about it, other than it really encompasses the stage of my life that I'm in at this point. I believe that almost everyone gets to this stage sometime. I want you to watch it and truly take in the message. All else I can say is, its my time to be brave.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luiRqbZ7t8U

Till the cows come home

So, I am down to 17 more days until I'm off to Western. Thank the Lord. I want to have a more healthy life style, so I've started a new regiment that I can continue once I'm at school. I go for a walk or a jog everyday, get some fruit, do as many push-ups as possible, do at least two sets of 50 crunches, and end the day with a bible reading. Last night, I was just thumbing through wishing I had a quote for the beginning of my book, relating to journeys, and opened up to Jeremiah 31:21, "Set up the road markers for yourself, make yourself signposts; consider well the highway, the road by which you went." If I understand that correctly, it means that the only way to truly have a good future is plan for it now, and make those plans using the wisdom you've accumulated so far. Well if anyone one would understand that, it would be me. Me who was the biggest nutcase in high school, making one mistake after another, and even post high school I'm no Mother Theresa. This is really the time to, as my mother would say, "Get my ducks in a row." I've got enough time to turn things around, and while not many people are on my side at this point, I at least have God, and the cows. Ya I said it, cows. We have a whole acre of land that we don't use, so the ranch next door puts their cows and horses in there periodically. Lately, every time I walk by, all the cows follow me until they reach the fence and I keep walking. I don't know why they are drawn to me. Perhaps I need to work out more, so they don't think of me as their leader. They are on lone for roping season, then they go back to their real home in late fall. Hopefully when the cows do come home, it won't be because they are following me.

The Boiling point

Lately its been getting very tense around my house. My doctor put me on a new antidepressant that was supposed to reverse the side effects of the first antidepressant I was on. These however, while they did cause me to loose weight, have come with their own set of unbearable side effects. Number one, I was sick to my stomach and had unpredictable dizzy spells. Number two, annoying loss of appetite, making me hungry at other weird times. Number three, raging headaches on the sides of my head. And number four, violent mood swings, which seem to be brought on by my dad's badgering and my sister's close-minded homophobia. Our fights just get bigger and bigger, yet when she and I watch Project Runway or Degrassi together, we get along great (ironically those shows are mostly about gay guys.) The current season of Degrassi, rightfully titled "the boiling point," has Riley, high school quarterback, struggling with the reality of his own sexuality as well as the harsh effects of homophobia in his school and town. I can't help but see the similarities in his life and my own. But the reality is that when he reached his boiling point, he still had people to stand by him. As i reach my boiling point around here, I have less and less people to turn to. I better get to Western soon. Its only a matter of time before I boil over.

reflection

I've been going over in my head lately what I want. I've been kicked out of a school, been in numerous unhealthy online and real life relationships, had a miserable two semesters at community college, but I've been accepted to Western Oregon University and will be heading off soon. It looks like I'm going to have the fresh start that I've worked long and hard to achieve. The question remains, who is this person going to western in 3 weeks? I pretended to be someone else all of high school, then tried to be myself, and failed miserably do to the fact that I still had no idea who myself was. I've been shopping for clothes lately and have yet to purchase a single garment. I don't know what any of these clothes say about me. In the past I would use clothes as a security blanket, but I can't be who I really am and still hide behind black shirts with logos from, Avenue Q, Wicked, Sweeney Todd, ect. Later today, I was about to take a shower I was exhausted so I was doing everything in slow-mo, including looking at my reflection. I stared long and hard and realized, I really do have a blank slate. This is not the face of a fag, an expelled student, a sex addict, a failure, a lost cause! This is simply the face of me, and from here on I decided what this face says to the world.

Inside Out

Even though I am a passionate and somewhat flamboyant person, I don't like wearing anything on my sleeve. Not my religion, political views or sexuality. Why is it that everyone wants me to fit into their stereotype. This is what turns me off most about other gay guys. So many are perfectly fit to gay stereotypes. By that i mean so flaming they could start a forest fire. Same with religious people. I consider myself very religious, but I'm not going to carry a bible around, preach in the park, or where a diamond studded Jesus head around my neck. I am just modest. They call it a personal life for a reason, IT'S PERSONAL! Meaning, "ITS NOBODY'S FUCKING BUSINESS!" No one has the right to know everything about you, and you don't have to show everything about you to the world. The world is not a tabloid, you choose what people see about you.

Get a life!

Here's the low-down. I have been harassed by straight friends and enemies about either being gay or being republican. My few gay friends have also harassed me about being republican, but more so about about being catholic, and my catholic friends have harassed me about being gay. Holy Fuck! People get a life and quit flicking your issues on me. I've had enough! Now I will soon be heading off to college and want to start fresh, but the people and memories of my past still haunt me wherever I go. Well I'm done caring about what people think or say, I'm here to say whatever the fuck I want, so to those of you who want to bitch about my life, I have only this to say, "Talk to the finger!"