It Don't Mean a Thing, if You Ain't Got That Swing

Today has thrown me through a loop. I now understand that expression, because I literally feel like i just got off a roller coaster...in more ways than one.

The past two weekends, I have attended both mass and The Escape Church here on campus. The structure of the mass is what I'm used to, but the passion of the Escape is what I really want out of my church. Especially the music. The singing portion of the service is so well done, and has so much power in it, you can almost feel God present in the room. I wanted so badly to get up there and sing that I applied to join their band to perform every other Sunday (the musicians perform in rotations). They added me to the rotation, but then I found out that I have to meet one-on-one with the minister before I can be apart of the worship team. So today, he and I met up at a near-by Christian book store to chat on a casual level. We started out on an easy level, discussing simple things like the origins of burgers, hot dogs and pizza. Then we got to the point of the meeting. Only people who are Christian and practice what they preach can stand on the stage and perform.

The alarm in my head is going now off. I can talk about my belief in God without saying about my sexuality and I can stand and sing on that stage and sing all I want, but then I'll be lying, and the point of singing up there is to sing as an honest Christian. So I told him everything. About everything I've done and been through and I think I just might have left him in shock. He does want me to feel loved and welcomed at the Escape, but is not sure if someone engaging in homosexual acts is being a true Christian or not. For now he is unsure if he'll let me sing, so until he is, I am not on the musician rotation. He and I will be having some private sessions together to talk and discuss, and see if there is some common ground we can reach.

I am taken back by this, but I am not angry, the minister is trying his best, but does not yet understand what I feel and believe. Regardless I had an anxious stomach ache the rest of the morning which did not help when I was doing swing in my dance class later. I was thrown through physical loops this time, which were far more bearable than the emotional ones.

I hate having to prove myself to anyone, but that is the only was people ever have faith in you and what you wish to accomplish, is that you have proven yourself. I really want this work at the Escape, so I'm gonna really have to try and prove that I am a good Christian and worthy of being on that stage. I just gotta show them that I got that swing.