Where Do I Begin?

It has been many months since I posted an entry on my blog. There are many reasons for that. I've been immensely busy finishing up my freshman year of college, I've had a lot of social and emotional issues that I did not know how to sift through. You are all aware of my struggles to explain my thoughts on homosexuality within Christianity, as well as my desires to find love and acceptance here at Western Oregon University. My freshman year is coming to a close about a week, so where is this year coming to?

For a long time I wanted a boyfriend and didn't know if I would ever find one. However, due to circumstances that I did not expect, a young man the same age as me with many similar interests entered my life. I feel odd being in a relationship since I've never really had one before. But he is very compassionate and patient with me. He is also a christian which gives us many things to bond over. I feel at peace in his arms.

On the subject of faith and homosexuality, I am content where I stand, though it is still hard to explain it to some people. However, I have made many mile stones. I have been a member of a men's bible study for three months now and have been very apprehensive to even speak about my sexuality in front of them for fear they would reject me as member of the group and as someone who shares in the same faith. I finally discussed my issues with my men's group last night. You'd likely have guessed that they all knew I was gay, but they didn't know how to address it. So I finally addressed it for them. They met it with a great deal of respect and appropriate curiosity. They asked if I had felt that way all my life and I told them I had and how I had always followed what everyone else told me to do, but it wasn't till I finally started following my own heart that I truly developed a relationship with God. This of course excited them. We ended up talking for a whole hour prior to our meeting about things I felt and had gone through and they gained a lot of respect for me and in turn I for them. Later that evening two of the guys acknowledged our talk as a blessing for them for the week and the year. they're only regret now is that they didn't get to know me sooner and I share this regret.

Christopher Hampton once wrote, "Regret is an essential component of happiness," and thus this applies directly to my life. I have regrets from this year and many others in my life. But my faith and self acceptance is helping me to learn that those things that I regret are only making me strong and wiser, and eventually happier. It has been a hard freshman year but it is closing in a place that I am very happy with. The question is not where do I end, but where do I begin? This is not the end of my life or college career or time at Western Oregon University, just the end of my freshman year. But so many great new beginnings are just upon the horizon. As a friend told me recently, "the most dangerous prayer to say is 'God give me what you got' for you have no idea what he will throw at you. But it is the best prayer because God will always give you what is best in the end." And this is true. I have no idea what God has in-store for me, but I am confident it will be for the best. and so I leave you with this prayer:

God give me whatcha got....!