Being Alive

It has been over a year since my last post. I had began to feel like I had no more to say, but whoever is reading this can tell that is simply not the case. My last post was at the end of my freshman year of college, it is now past the end of my sophomore year of college. In the time that has past, I became a camp counselor at a Methodist camp over the summer, I had my first actual boyfriend however brief the relationship may have been, I quit going to safe zone, quit attending Christ Church, became as immersed in the Wednesday Night Bible study as I could, dived head-first into the music department to crack down on my minor and ended up becoming a music major, participated in Western Oregon University's Spring Dance Concert, and some how have come to the end of yet another school year still alive and somewhat smarter and stronger than before it started. Year's Breakdown: Camp Counseling; I was asked by a man attending Christ's Church if I would like to volunteer to be a camp counselor at Camp Magruder in Rockaway, Oregon. I apprehensively agreed upon finding out that there was a background check to be done before I began. I thought being kicked out of school would come up on my record and be a red flag for them not to hire me. I then told them why for fear it would come up and there would be questions asked. Despite my fears they did not care. Not about my past, nor that I was gay, but what I was currently doing with my life. That won them over and soon found myself doing improve with twelve-year-olds on the beach. I felt like a kid again or better yet for the first time. I never really had the childhood experience of just being carefree and fun-loving. As a friend ironically told me a week before hand, "When you accept God as your savior and eternal parent, you can forget about the childhood you were denied and will be given a second childhood for you are now a child of God." I never thought his words would come true in the literal sense, but they did. I am a child of God and I finally feel like I've had some sort of childhood, but its still a work in progress as is everything in my life. Boyfriend; Not much to say. We met online, dated briefly, had too much focus on sex and little else, and grew apart. We still talk on occasion but there is little chance we will ever get back together. Christ's Church and Safe Zone; I had a falling out with the music director whom I was very close to. In fact, too close. I fell in love with him and we both agreed that my affection in that form was inappropriate. We however had different opinions on what the next step to take was. Hurtful things were said and hearts were broken. Thats all I will say in regards to that. It led to me feeling extremely uncomfortable to continue attending Christ's Church. I then realized that I had used Christ's Church as a safe place to hide from the campus when things were hard or scary. I then decided to stop hiding out and dive into campus life by becoming more active with everything, including Safe Zone and I was even elected to be head of their fundraising. It later turned out that I was completely unqualified to hold that position and step down. Due to disagreements in how the organization was being run I stepped away to focus on other things. Music; While working on my minor I began taking other music classes, such as Singer/Songwriter where I got orchestrate and perform my own music. I also continued with voice classes and found a strength from my singing that I didn't know I had. I feel most honest when I sing. After months of deliberating if I could really handle the material and having barely passed the music theory sequence, I decided to take the plunge and go for it. This received much praise from my new best friend Drew whom I owe much thanks to as a friend and as a music theory tutor. I will be taking 18 credits of music classes in the fall. God Help me. Bible Study; This year i really wanted to grow in my faith. I went to Wednesday Night Bible Study almost every Week and about the same for Men's group. I became very apprehensive about the Men's group because this year was a whole new group of guys, only one of which knew I was gay. It never really came up but soon the guys started talking about lust for women and wanting to remain pure for their girlfriends or future wives. I began to feel that I was alone and couldn't tell my everyday struggles or about how much I wanted to find the right guy. I finally couldn't take it anymore and told the leader of the Men's group whom I knew was a safe ally that I wanted to share my testimony. I hyperventilated the whole day leading up to it and the whole day after it. Oddly enough the guys seemed more in shock about me having attempted suicide than me being gay. It was the scariest thing I ever did. Most were supportive but others were confused and remained confused. I answer questions when asked, but no one has been hostile nor rejecting towards me and that is a huge improvement than where I was before. The Dance Concert; And finally, the dance concert. This year I took up tap dancing. I enjoyed it quite a bit and decided I wanted to do the spring dance concert to show off what I had learned. The night before the audition I was plagued by doubt and thought I wouldn't be good enough to get into the show. I kept going back and forth in my head about why I should audition and why I shouldn't. Then I remembered an old quote by Bea Arthur that I refer to often lately, "Sometimes when you take a chance in life, good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But honey if you don't take a chance nothing happens." And with that line in my head I went to the audition. It turns out they weren't doing a tap number anymore but asked that I please audition anyway. I did and had the time of my life. I couldn't do half the moves they were asking for but still had fun despite the fact that I was sore for the whole next week. I didn't expect to get at all and ended up cast in two dance numbers. I rehearsed for three months, 8 hours a week, had neck and back injuries, had one whole dance number cut from the concert while the other was cut in half. It was hard to see only a fraction of my work get presented before an audience but it was worth it all the same. Not to mention I got to perform that number a month later at the historic Elsinore Theater in Salem, Oregon in front of a one-thousand person audience. I couldn't have foreseen any of the events of this year. Some sucked and some rocked in ways I can not describe. The overall theme I guess was not being afraid and jumping in head first. I can't say I'm proud of everything I've done this school year, but I'm proud that I tried and was able to walk away knowing that I had done something. I feel in order for us to really be alive we have to push our selves to try knew things and go for it. If we don't try we are not living. If we step outside the box, take a chance, lean on the edge.... its not just trying, its being alive.