Don't Rain on my Parade

Too often on this campus, people have been telling me what I can and cannot do. More often, it's been what I can't. I can't sing in this choir, can't join this club, can't hang out with these people, can't join this church, can't be in this play. Frankly, I'm fucken sick of it all! When I didn't get into my school's most recent production, which just happened to be my all-time favorite show, I was greatly discouraged and didn't know whether or not to even continue auditioning at this theater, since nothing I've done has seemed to please anyone. I was sitting alone in my room feeling sorry for myself, deciding not to go to the student directed play auditions, and watching random youtube videos. Somehow, I came across a video of Barbra Streisand singing, Don't Rain On My Parade. I know its cheesy to be inspired by a Streisand ballad, but the main message of the song is; do what you want to do, not what people tell you, and if you fail at least fail on your own terms. At that moment, I shut off my computer and marched over to the auditions, saying to myself over and over again, "Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade!" I thoroughly enjoyed the auditions, and even though I didn't get cast, I finally feel that I made a good impression on someone. I was successful in those regards and now I don't feel like a complete failure. It hurts sometimes, but all any of us can do is keep going and tell the world to, "fuck off, this is my time to shine!

As If We Never Said Goodbye

I'm writing to you now from backstage at the third performance here at Western of William Inge's Picnic. I'm a little confused at the moment. I thought I hated theater,then opening night happened and this euphoria of bliss came over the cast. I started to remember what that felt like. People being so happy and excited and full of bliss and I started to feel it too. We didn't get a big crowd that night, but it couldn't stop that opening night high. Though I was only member of the crew, I too was seemed to be in that state of bliss, which helped me realize, I'm not meant to work backstage. I don't know if I will ever act professionally, but I'm not done with the stage. I could feel what I loved about the theater again. It was as if none of the bad stuff I went through in my last play two years ago ever happened. I went to the director after the show, blissfully happy, hugged her and said, "thank you for giving me my life back." She then thanked me for being part of the show. I walked out of the theater, tossed my head back and laughed. I laughed so hard I fell over. Theater destroyed me two years ago, but now it's brought me back to life. I'm not sure what to do now, but I know for a fact that for the first time since I got here, I am happy. Honest to goodness happy.

The Thing With Feathers

What gets us through the day? For some its coffee, others its food, working out, working in general, school, friends or faith. But what ties all of these together? It's hope. We all hope that everyday two things will happen; the daily routine we've grown accustomed to will still be intact, and that something out of the ordinary will occur and bring the ultimate joy into our lives .

These past few weeks at Western have been a test of everything. A test of my capability as a student, a test of my friendship and loyalty, a test of my ethical and political beliefs, and a test to my self-proclamation as a Christian.

I am willing to admit that I am not perfect, that I have a long way to go and that I will need to make changes in my life. But I also know I am good person, I am a Christian and that I will continue to grow as such. I have hope, and hope is what has pulled me through and will continue to pull me through.

Today in writing class, my teacher was reading us several definitions written by famous writers, and when he got to one by Emily Dickinson, all the book said was, "Hope is the thing with feathers." He and the rest of the class all thought that didn't make any sense. Then I said, "It's because that's not the whole saying," and then he asked, "So what is?" I then recited the phrase that I memorized when I was twelve, "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches within the soul." He and the class were dumbfounded that I knew it verbatim. The teacher than gave me extra credit for knowing it and wrote the missing half of the phrase into his text book.

I think I've remembered that for so long because I know and feel, that when all else in wrong in your world and mine, hope is still there inside us. Perched and ready for flight.

It Don't Mean a Thing, if You Ain't Got That Swing

Today has thrown me through a loop. I now understand that expression, because I literally feel like i just got off a roller coaster...in more ways than one.

The past two weekends, I have attended both mass and The Escape Church here on campus. The structure of the mass is what I'm used to, but the passion of the Escape is what I really want out of my church. Especially the music. The singing portion of the service is so well done, and has so much power in it, you can almost feel God present in the room. I wanted so badly to get up there and sing that I applied to join their band to perform every other Sunday (the musicians perform in rotations). They added me to the rotation, but then I found out that I have to meet one-on-one with the minister before I can be apart of the worship team. So today, he and I met up at a near-by Christian book store to chat on a casual level. We started out on an easy level, discussing simple things like the origins of burgers, hot dogs and pizza. Then we got to the point of the meeting. Only people who are Christian and practice what they preach can stand on the stage and perform.

The alarm in my head is going now off. I can talk about my belief in God without saying about my sexuality and I can stand and sing on that stage and sing all I want, but then I'll be lying, and the point of singing up there is to sing as an honest Christian. So I told him everything. About everything I've done and been through and I think I just might have left him in shock. He does want me to feel loved and welcomed at the Escape, but is not sure if someone engaging in homosexual acts is being a true Christian or not. For now he is unsure if he'll let me sing, so until he is, I am not on the musician rotation. He and I will be having some private sessions together to talk and discuss, and see if there is some common ground we can reach.

I am taken back by this, but I am not angry, the minister is trying his best, but does not yet understand what I feel and believe. Regardless I had an anxious stomach ache the rest of the morning which did not help when I was doing swing in my dance class later. I was thrown through physical loops this time, which were far more bearable than the emotional ones.

I hate having to prove myself to anyone, but that is the only was people ever have faith in you and what you wish to accomplish, is that you have proven yourself. I really want this work at the Escape, so I'm gonna really have to try and prove that I am a good Christian and worthy of being on that stage. I just gotta show them that I got that swing.