Let's play a few rounds of Never have I ever. In the past week I've checked off all of these; never have I ever played World of Warcraft, never have I gone to a non-denominational church by myself and enjoyed it, never have I ever gone on a scavenger hunt in the middle of the night while dressed like the Phantom of the Opera, never have I ever eaten a chocolate sundae on pumpkin ice cream, and never have I ever felt so insignificant in my life!
Why do I feel so insignificant? I have known a certain person in my campus ministry group for a couple of weeks now. It wasn't until tonight that I heard his story. He has fought cancerous tumors all over his body for 15 years. He is the first person in recorded history to survive this particular cancer. He now works in hospitals and summers camps for cancer survivors, has written several books, speaks to groups of people by the thousands, and takes time out of his schedule to hang around with 8 crazy Catholic kids a week, who sometimes could care less if he's there or not. I feel like I'm standing before Christ when he's in the room.
How can he still smile after all that? He says that its not what God has done to him, but what God has put in his path for him to fight. And he has fought everything with grace and dignity. How can I go on acting like the asshole I am when I haven't been through half the shit he has. Something needs to change, and its not this young man, cause he's an angel.
Thank you God, I hear you loud and clear.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
My Place in this World
There once was a young man who had troubles in his life. Some said it was because of bullying, others said he was unaccepted by his family, and some say he was depressed. One day he was gone from this Earth, and none of us will ever truly know what happened.
This story is a generalization, not a factual account. So many young men across the country seem to fit into this generalization, so instead of actually telling their stories, the media and both pro and anti gay rights activists have decided that its easier to lump these boys together as if they were all the same person. But they're not the same person. Not all gays who commit suicide are the same, not all gays are the same, no one is the same.
We are all struggling to find who we are and where we belong on this Earth. That's hard enough without the people in our lives telling us who we shouldn't be and the media telling us who we should be. We were all created as individuals. We were not meant to fit every positive or negative stereotype, we were meant to be ourselves, and no one, I repeat, NO ONE, has a right tell us who we are.
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
This story is a generalization, not a factual account. So many young men across the country seem to fit into this generalization, so instead of actually telling their stories, the media and both pro and anti gay rights activists have decided that its easier to lump these boys together as if they were all the same person. But they're not the same person. Not all gays who commit suicide are the same, not all gays are the same, no one is the same.
We are all struggling to find who we are and where we belong on this Earth. That's hard enough without the people in our lives telling us who we shouldn't be and the media telling us who we should be. We were all created as individuals. We were not meant to fit every positive or negative stereotype, we were meant to be ourselves, and no one, I repeat, NO ONE, has a right tell us who we are.
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Its All About Not Knowing
Uncertainty is the driving force behind all great events. It forces people to question all sorts of things and when they test that curiosity they discover magnificent things that change both their lives and lives of people around the world. Mother Theresa wondered what would happen if she left her convent to help the poor and unfortunate, Thomas Edison wondered if there was a better way to harness electricity for light, Nelson Mandela wondered if the apartheid in South Africa could one day be illegal, and many others were all fueled by their curiosity and let uncertainty of what good or bad may happen, be a driving force for them to achieve their dreams.
So what does this have to do with me? You've all heard me talk about how much theater and the arts has caused me pain and how I have no desire to do it anymore. Everyday I'm in my theater classes, I feel the worst pain as I become engulfed in flash backs to the last time I was in theater. Its been a year and a half and I still can't let go of the pain. Every fiber of my being wants to quit and do something completely different that won't hurt so badly. But then I feel that if I leave I will always wonder what could have been if I stayed. My uncertainty has brought me to a crossroad and its ripping my heart down the middle.
So what does this have to do with me? You've all heard me talk about how much theater and the arts has caused me pain and how I have no desire to do it anymore. Everyday I'm in my theater classes, I feel the worst pain as I become engulfed in flash backs to the last time I was in theater. Its been a year and a half and I still can't let go of the pain. Every fiber of my being wants to quit and do something completely different that won't hurt so badly. But then I feel that if I leave I will always wonder what could have been if I stayed. My uncertainty has brought me to a crossroad and its ripping my heart down the middle.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The Good, The Bad, and The Irritating
I have a lot of mixed feelings about Western at this point in time. Sure the food is good, and the people care, but it just doesn't feel right. I don't fit in with any particular group, which isn't always a bad thing, except when you desperately want to belong. I love attending Catholic Campus Ministry though. They don't care that I'm not actually Catholic, or that I'm gay. As long as you can say a Hail Mary, they love you. But that's at one place once a week. What am I supposed to do with the rest of the time. I'm not liking the directing program thus far, its structured so that you act first than direct. I don't want to act! I HATE IT! I've been miserable in every play I've ever done, now it hurts every time i get on stage, even if its just for a few seconds. I hope I get to direct relatively soon, cause I just cant act anymore. I may have to switch majors. But to what? I have no idea what I want anymore.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Man out of you
Week two, so much has happened, here are the highlights:
~ My parents came and took me and my sister out to dinner at McGrath's fish house on Sunday for an early birthday celebration. Afterward, we drove back to my sister's house where a new pair of black leather boots and a white chocolate Irish cream cheesecake were waiting for me. It took me greatly by surprise considering that four of us have hardly been friendly towards each other for the last 6 months. It was nice to be in cooler climate in that area for a change.
~ On Monday, I finally started classes and got to meet our guest director/directing teacher from New York. She's so knowledgeable and yet so approachable, her class is what I look forward to the most during my week. I also auditioned for the play she's directing, Picnic, made it to call backs the following night, but did not get in. I was bummed, but mostly because I wanted so badly to work with her. I'm still in her class, so not all hope is lost.
~ Wednesday, I finally turned 19! It was a bit of a slow day, but come night time, some interesting events unfolded. I played several rounds of 21 over a carton of strawberry ice cream with chocolate syrup. We eventually made it so that who ever one a round had to take a shot of chocolate syrup (so much funnier than doing it with booze). After that, my friend Freddy came out into the main seating area and decided that was not enough for my birthday. He then arranged for the buffest men on our floor to dance around me in their sexiest boxers. I know you all think I must have loved it, but to be honest, it was extremely awkward. But I thanked everyone for thinking of me.
~ Thursday night, people thought it front page news that I need to know when Parker, the sexiest guy on our floor, is getting naked for the shower. When they didn't leave me alone, I stupidly went into the men's bathroom. Sure enough, Parker and his friends were all present and taking part in the joke. That was my last straw. I went into my room, shut the door, turned out the lights and covered my head with my pillow. This did not stop them from banging on my door for the next hour!
~ Friday, I didn't feel comfortable returning to my dorm, so I arranged to spend the weekend in an empty room in another dorm. I had to dodge people from Top Gunn all three days. I had decided to tell everyone at once, on Monday when they'd all be back at school, what had happened and why I was upset. No way was I going to tell one person and let it get tampered with before I got back to Top Gunn.
~ Sunday, I attended the student mass for the first time. There's a little chapel attached to a small house on the backside of campus where the mass is held every Sunday at 5 pm. It was sweet and simple, and the priest had a sense of humor, what more could you ask? Afterward, they served dinner; beef stew, garlic bread, grapes, and the most delicious butterscotch nut bars (YUM!) I sat and talked with the lady in charge, she was very welcoming and even more entertaining, she didn't care that I was gay of non-catholic and invited me back. I will definitely be going back soon.
~ Monday, I am now back in my dorm room with my roommate in Top Gunn. I got here at 7:30, like my RA and I had planned, and I explained to the group that I was not mad at any of them, but that they had misunderstood what I wanted and went overboard. I wanted no special attention be it positive or negative, I just wanted to be treated like anyone else on our floor. No half nude fashion shows, and no male nudity alerts. When I was done, they all told me that they loved me and respected me for the way I handled and addressed the situation and we all sat down for an epic game of Apples to Apples. I stepped up to the plate, even though it felt like riding the Supreme Scream at Knott's Berry Farm, I am now extremely proud of myself. I'm finally starting to feel like a man around here.
~ My parents came and took me and my sister out to dinner at McGrath's fish house on Sunday for an early birthday celebration. Afterward, we drove back to my sister's house where a new pair of black leather boots and a white chocolate Irish cream cheesecake were waiting for me. It took me greatly by surprise considering that four of us have hardly been friendly towards each other for the last 6 months. It was nice to be in cooler climate in that area for a change.
~ On Monday, I finally started classes and got to meet our guest director/directing teacher from New York. She's so knowledgeable and yet so approachable, her class is what I look forward to the most during my week. I also auditioned for the play she's directing, Picnic, made it to call backs the following night, but did not get in. I was bummed, but mostly because I wanted so badly to work with her. I'm still in her class, so not all hope is lost.
~ Wednesday, I finally turned 19! It was a bit of a slow day, but come night time, some interesting events unfolded. I played several rounds of 21 over a carton of strawberry ice cream with chocolate syrup. We eventually made it so that who ever one a round had to take a shot of chocolate syrup (so much funnier than doing it with booze). After that, my friend Freddy came out into the main seating area and decided that was not enough for my birthday. He then arranged for the buffest men on our floor to dance around me in their sexiest boxers. I know you all think I must have loved it, but to be honest, it was extremely awkward. But I thanked everyone for thinking of me.
~ Thursday night, people thought it front page news that I need to know when Parker, the sexiest guy on our floor, is getting naked for the shower. When they didn't leave me alone, I stupidly went into the men's bathroom. Sure enough, Parker and his friends were all present and taking part in the joke. That was my last straw. I went into my room, shut the door, turned out the lights and covered my head with my pillow. This did not stop them from banging on my door for the next hour!
~ Friday, I didn't feel comfortable returning to my dorm, so I arranged to spend the weekend in an empty room in another dorm. I had to dodge people from Top Gunn all three days. I had decided to tell everyone at once, on Monday when they'd all be back at school, what had happened and why I was upset. No way was I going to tell one person and let it get tampered with before I got back to Top Gunn.
~ Sunday, I attended the student mass for the first time. There's a little chapel attached to a small house on the backside of campus where the mass is held every Sunday at 5 pm. It was sweet and simple, and the priest had a sense of humor, what more could you ask? Afterward, they served dinner; beef stew, garlic bread, grapes, and the most delicious butterscotch nut bars (YUM!) I sat and talked with the lady in charge, she was very welcoming and even more entertaining, she didn't care that I was gay of non-catholic and invited me back. I will definitely be going back soon.
~ Monday, I am now back in my dorm room with my roommate in Top Gunn. I got here at 7:30, like my RA and I had planned, and I explained to the group that I was not mad at any of them, but that they had misunderstood what I wanted and went overboard. I wanted no special attention be it positive or negative, I just wanted to be treated like anyone else on our floor. No half nude fashion shows, and no male nudity alerts. When I was done, they all told me that they loved me and respected me for the way I handled and addressed the situation and we all sat down for an epic game of Apples to Apples. I stepped up to the plate, even though it felt like riding the Supreme Scream at Knott's Berry Farm, I am now extremely proud of myself. I'm finally starting to feel like a man around here.
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