One Fish, Two fish, Small fish, Big Fish

It's now been one week since I arrived at WOU. In that amount of time, I've been to two dances, two auditions,three different club meetings, three motivational speakers, three games of Apples to Apples, and many late night chats with the other people in my dorm hallway, nicknamed, Top Gun. There's a siting area there called the Fishbowl where we talk about anything. Oddly enough, the other members of Top Gun find my sexuality to be something fascinating. No one has been cruel about it, but there have been a lot of questions; what is you type, how many guys have you been with, when did you come out, are you dating any guys at the moment, ect. Overall, I don't mind the questions and actually really like being able to talk so openly about. This one guy Parker, is the most muscular/masculine guy in Top Gun, and yet is very protective of me. Maybe he sees me as a little brother, I couldn't say, but he's helped so much in helping me feel comfortable here. I have met a few nice gay guys, but I don't see anything serious sprouting up yet. I just want to get used to the environment I'm in first. I've always felt like a big fish, well now I still feel like a big fish, but the pond is bigger, and there's all sorts of big fish here.

At the Beginning

So here I am at last; a freshman living in the dorms of Western Oregon University. This whole week is new student week, which has consisted of seminars, fish bowls, dances, games, and motivational speakers. The speakers have been amazing and the games are all fun, but its an adjustment nonetheless. I was at first terrified that my being gay would be a problem to my roommate, but much to my surprise, he didn't care that I was gay as long as I didn't care that he was Jewish. Neil Simon, write your play now.

On that same topic, the other people in my hall are all convinced that I'm straight. How the hell did this happen? Someone upstairs is laughing at me. I don't want to say anything to make people uncomfortable, but I'm in a hall full of over-sized jocks. I'm in a position I've never been in before. Someone please tell me what to do here?

Looking For Answers

There has been some discrepancies about the content and title of my blog. I would like to address a few of those in this post. For starters, my blog title is not a literal title to be exact. I am not a confirmed Catholic, a registered republican, nor am I quite yet a college freshman. As many of you know from reading my blog, I hate being catagorized into a specific group, so the title is mocking that, yet also these are groups that hold many of my strongest beliefs. Does that mean i fit perfectly to these groups? No. Does this mean I can't be members of these groups? Hell no! It just means I have many different beliefs from many different places, and while I love them all, I also mock them all, for the best things in life are the one you can mock the best.

There is also an even bigger issue about me calling myself Catholic, seeing as how I was never baptized, never took comunion, and have yet to be confirmed. No one has the right to tell you who you are or aren't! You know what you are in your heart and you know where you feel most at home. You don't need a piece of paper or a priest's blessing to know who you are. As a good friend of mine put it, "God doesn't check IDs at the door."
Which is a good thing, cause I have no ID, but I do know my idenity, and no one can take that away from me.

The Final Countown

Today marks the six-day countdown to when I finally get to Western. My miracle shall happen and my prayers will be answered. Never thought it would actually happen, but I'm almost there. I can't believe it, thank you God. I am also a lot happier now that I have quit taking my anti-depressants. It is against my doctor's wishes that I stay on them for six months, but I just can't take the mood swings. I have to decide what is right for me and what will make me happy. This is the countdown to a new life, to a new chapter, to my second chance. I'm a freshman once again, and these are gonna be four perfect years. Now I don't mean everything is going to be right all the time, but the right wrong things will happen, not the wrong wrong things that I let happen in highschool. Perfection is merely the right combination of imperfections. This time, I'll find the right imperfections in my life and let them work together. Its only when we find the right mismatched things that the pieces of our life begin to fit together properly. And my pieces are finally coming together.

Thank you God,
I finally feel blessed.

Brave

I recently came across a music video for Idina Menzel's song "Brave" and I have very little to say about it, other than it really encompasses the stage of my life that I'm in at this point. I believe that almost everyone gets to this stage sometime. I want you to watch it and truly take in the message. All else I can say is, its my time to be brave.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luiRqbZ7t8U

Till the cows come home

So, I am down to 17 more days until I'm off to Western. Thank the Lord. I want to have a more healthy life style, so I've started a new regiment that I can continue once I'm at school. I go for a walk or a jog everyday, get some fruit, do as many push-ups as possible, do at least two sets of 50 crunches, and end the day with a bible reading. Last night, I was just thumbing through wishing I had a quote for the beginning of my book, relating to journeys, and opened up to Jeremiah 31:21, "Set up the road markers for yourself, make yourself signposts; consider well the highway, the road by which you went." If I understand that correctly, it means that the only way to truly have a good future is plan for it now, and make those plans using the wisdom you've accumulated so far. Well if anyone one would understand that, it would be me. Me who was the biggest nutcase in high school, making one mistake after another, and even post high school I'm no Mother Theresa. This is really the time to, as my mother would say, "Get my ducks in a row." I've got enough time to turn things around, and while not many people are on my side at this point, I at least have God, and the cows. Ya I said it, cows. We have a whole acre of land that we don't use, so the ranch next door puts their cows and horses in there periodically. Lately, every time I walk by, all the cows follow me until they reach the fence and I keep walking. I don't know why they are drawn to me. Perhaps I need to work out more, so they don't think of me as their leader. They are on lone for roping season, then they go back to their real home in late fall. Hopefully when the cows do come home, it won't be because they are following me.