The Boiling point

Lately its been getting very tense around my house. My doctor put me on a new antidepressant that was supposed to reverse the side effects of the first antidepressant I was on. These however, while they did cause me to loose weight, have come with their own set of unbearable side effects. Number one, I was sick to my stomach and had unpredictable dizzy spells. Number two, annoying loss of appetite, making me hungry at other weird times. Number three, raging headaches on the sides of my head. And number four, violent mood swings, which seem to be brought on by my dad's badgering and my sister's close-minded homophobia. Our fights just get bigger and bigger, yet when she and I watch Project Runway or Degrassi together, we get along great (ironically those shows are mostly about gay guys.) The current season of Degrassi, rightfully titled "the boiling point," has Riley, high school quarterback, struggling with the reality of his own sexuality as well as the harsh effects of homophobia in his school and town. I can't help but see the similarities in his life and my own. But the reality is that when he reached his boiling point, he still had people to stand by him. As i reach my boiling point around here, I have less and less people to turn to. I better get to Western soon. Its only a matter of time before I boil over.

reflection

I've been going over in my head lately what I want. I've been kicked out of a school, been in numerous unhealthy online and real life relationships, had a miserable two semesters at community college, but I've been accepted to Western Oregon University and will be heading off soon. It looks like I'm going to have the fresh start that I've worked long and hard to achieve. The question remains, who is this person going to western in 3 weeks? I pretended to be someone else all of high school, then tried to be myself, and failed miserably do to the fact that I still had no idea who myself was. I've been shopping for clothes lately and have yet to purchase a single garment. I don't know what any of these clothes say about me. In the past I would use clothes as a security blanket, but I can't be who I really am and still hide behind black shirts with logos from, Avenue Q, Wicked, Sweeney Todd, ect. Later today, I was about to take a shower I was exhausted so I was doing everything in slow-mo, including looking at my reflection. I stared long and hard and realized, I really do have a blank slate. This is not the face of a fag, an expelled student, a sex addict, a failure, a lost cause! This is simply the face of me, and from here on I decided what this face says to the world.

Inside Out

Even though I am a passionate and somewhat flamboyant person, I don't like wearing anything on my sleeve. Not my religion, political views or sexuality. Why is it that everyone wants me to fit into their stereotype. This is what turns me off most about other gay guys. So many are perfectly fit to gay stereotypes. By that i mean so flaming they could start a forest fire. Same with religious people. I consider myself very religious, but I'm not going to carry a bible around, preach in the park, or where a diamond studded Jesus head around my neck. I am just modest. They call it a personal life for a reason, IT'S PERSONAL! Meaning, "ITS NOBODY'S FUCKING BUSINESS!" No one has the right to know everything about you, and you don't have to show everything about you to the world. The world is not a tabloid, you choose what people see about you.

Get a life!

Here's the low-down. I have been harassed by straight friends and enemies about either being gay or being republican. My few gay friends have also harassed me about being republican, but more so about about being catholic, and my catholic friends have harassed me about being gay. Holy Fuck! People get a life and quit flicking your issues on me. I've had enough! Now I will soon be heading off to college and want to start fresh, but the people and memories of my past still haunt me wherever I go. Well I'm done caring about what people think or say, I'm here to say whatever the fuck I want, so to those of you who want to bitch about my life, I have only this to say, "Talk to the finger!"