I haven't written in almost two months now, which is due to the fact that I've been too upset to write as well as too busy. Winter term is finally over and the three classes from Hell that I never thought would end. Miraculously I passed with a B+ in Writing 135, C+ in Literature of Western Europe, and an A in Cultural Anthropology. How this happened I will never know, but none of these classes were easy. I've done all the writing I am required to do for now, so it is on to the next levels of Literature and Anthropology in just three days.
I became an active member with the Christ Church and their choir. Soon I'll be doing a solo instead of the typical choir performance on Sundays. Recently, I was practicing my solo with the choir director and he said something to me that no one else ever has. He said my singing voice sounded nothing like my speaking voice. I considered that a compliment at first, especially since my own voice sounds like Edna from "The Incredibles". He then said to me that I should always sound like myself and not someone else because that's the voice that God gave me, and that's the voice that will sing God's praises. The next run through of the song came through perfectly.
Finding my voice truly has been the problem. I want to sing God's praises in all aspects of my life, and yet few people seem to understand that. They can't see how a gay guy can want any connection to God. Why not? Does Gabriel need to come down from heaven, blow his horn and announce to all humanity that God loves all his children and accepts them all? I thought that was a given. A Christian friend of mine who was raised to believe homosexuality is sinful, but is trying to be open-minded, asked me why I not pray for God to make straight. I told him I had done that all my life. I thought God had made some mistake and that I needed to pray my sexuality away. It wasn't until I finally accepted it, that I realized this was a blessing from God. God is too clever to show blessings upfront to the world, he hides them so individuals can find them and rejoice in their discoveries. Satan is clever as well. He doesn't show sin to the world, he disguises it so that people fall into and get trapped. Homosexuality is not a sin cause it is not something you fall into and it is far to obvious to be sin. To truly glorify God, you have to not look at the surface of a person, but beyond and into their soul, cause that is where you will find true sin and true holiness. I am learning to speak, and sing, from my soul so that my voice can be God's instrument and hopefully someday people will see that. And if they don't, I think God has Gabriel on stand-by.
