The first month of second term has finally past and i don't know what to make of it. I have now become an active member of the Christ Church and their choir, I went on the Wednesday Night Bible Study Men's Retreat, I have joined the WOU Safe Zone, I joined Poetry Club, I've started the ground work for a gay-friendly church group on campus, I started a relationship with an older man, and a close friend of mine almost got killed.
The music director at Christ Church identifies as queer and does a lot for members of the gay-christian community, both in and out of the church. Through him I met a guy twice my age that has become slightly more than a friend to me. We thought of being boy-friends, but realized soon that we were in different parts of our lives and that forming that kind of relationship just wouldn't work. So now we are just friends. The music director frowned on our relationship from the beginning, but I feel he was just looking out for me. Maybe I do have some family in this town after all.
I was skeptical to attend this all-men christian retreat a few weekends back, for fear my sexuality would become an issue with the group. I resorted to my age old saying, "When you take a chance in life, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen, but if you don't take a chance, nothing happens," resulting in me going on the retreat. I can honestly say I am in a state of shock. These guys are so warm and so loving. You'd think a bunch of buff male athletes who happen to be Christian wouldn't be as loving as this, but they truly treat their brothers in faith as if they were actually brothers. We stayed at a lodge about a half hour from Monmouth, truly the middle of no where, but the isolation was ideal. The weekend involved pigging out as college men do, hours of prayer, and the most mischievous game of Capture the Flag I have ever played. I wonder where men like this have been all my life, I also wonder why no one up to this point has actually treated me like a man. As a gay guy, people often overlook that desire, but we all secretly want it. Naturally I wonder if the weekend had been different if they all knew I was gay, but I'd rather they know me and know my faith, not my sexuality. My sexuality is a part of me not all of me. I feel I can tell them all in time, but when and where I can not yet say.
As for my friend, she has a close bond with another girl whom she sees a lot of her younger self in. This has led her to enter into a poisonous relationship with the other girl, in which that girl has had total control over here. I warned my friend to not let it go too far, but the other night they wee fighting while on the road. The girls tried to get my friend to shut up by covering her mouth while she was driving. My friend then had to slap her to get her off and keep them from going off the road. As of now, neither me nor my friend is speaking to the girl.
I am reluctant to continue to attend poetry club because lately I've been so focused on on this other stuff that I can't think straight enough to write a poem. I am amazed I can write anything now. So much is happening and I don't even know how I get from day to day. I pray that an answer will come to me at some point, because now, I don't know what to do.
