It has now been one week since my return to Monmouth. As for my friends, I haven't seen but a few and no one is in the mood for socializing it seems. I have a hunch that few are happy to be back in this hell-hole of a place that we somehow call a university. I am excited for my classes this term; writing, anthropology, literature of western Europe, and I even managed to get private voice lessons! It seems as my academics increase in quality, my personal life makes the opposite turn on the spectrum. I have quit attending the Escape. The minister and I are incapable of coming to any sort of understanding. He seems to want to give me the answers to everything as if that is his job description as a minister.
Here is a note to all the clergy of the world, your job is not to give us the answers! People go to church because they have questions, but if they cannot find the answers for themselves, than they can never grow in faith nor as human beings. The job of the minister is not to give us the answers, but the tools for us to find them on our own. That is the only reason I bother going. I am no perfect Christian and I could never pretend to be. But I refuse to have someone tell me they know what I need to be happy. Only I can come to that conclusion.
In my absence from the Escape, I have attended another church on Wednesday nights. The minster was at one point a drug-addict and alcoholic who had quite a significant turning point. He is much more fun and in my opinion much more reasonable as is the leader of his worship team. A retreat is to be held soon for the men of the congregation. It will be an opportunity to open up and get closer with the men that attend. I don't know what to do. I used to not have a problem with being open about my sexuality and could tell anyone. But after the fiasco with the Escape, I don't want to ruin what feels so good. But if I open up on this retreat, I know it will come up, for my faith and my sexual identity have always been one in the same. Do I risk getting hurt again or take a literal leap of faith? I just don't know.
Though I have met with the minister of the Christ Church here in Monmouth. He is very accepting man and his church is the only in this area to be listed on the gay-friendly church registry. He invited me to the service and even offered to help me start a gay or gay-friendly congregation here on campus. I love the idea, but it merely seems like an alternative to the problem rather than fixing the current one. Is this my only option or should I become the Martin Luther King of the gay Christian community.
I am in a tight spot and its getting tighter. It could get better, it could be worse... If I brought my parents into this, they would just tell me to focus on school and my health. Perhaps I should and perhaps I should do something to fix all this. My life isn't the worse it could be at this moment in time, but it seems as though it can't get anymore glamorous than this.
