It has been many months since I posted an entry on my blog. There are many reasons for that. I've been immensely busy finishing up my freshman year of college, I've had a lot of social and emotional issues that I did not know how to sift through. You are all aware of my struggles to explain my thoughts on homosexuality within Christianity, as well as my desires to find love and acceptance here at Western Oregon University. My freshman year is coming to a close about a week, so where is this year coming to?
For a long time I wanted a boyfriend and didn't know if I would ever find one. However, due to circumstances that I did not expect, a young man the same age as me with many similar interests entered my life. I feel odd being in a relationship since I've never really had one before. But he is very compassionate and patient with me. He is also a christian which gives us many things to bond over. I feel at peace in his arms.
On the subject of faith and homosexuality, I am content where I stand, though it is still hard to explain it to some people. However, I have made many mile stones. I have been a member of a men's bible study for three months now and have been very apprehensive to even speak about my sexuality in front of them for fear they would reject me as member of the group and as someone who shares in the same faith. I finally discussed my issues with my men's group last night. You'd likely have guessed that they all knew I was gay, but they didn't know how to address it. So I finally addressed it for them. They met it with a great deal of respect and appropriate curiosity. They asked if I had felt that way all my life and I told them I had and how I had always followed what everyone else told me to do, but it wasn't till I finally started following my own heart that I truly developed a relationship with God. This of course excited them. We ended up talking for a whole hour prior to our meeting about things I felt and had gone through and they gained a lot of respect for me and in turn I for them. Later that evening two of the guys acknowledged our talk as a blessing for them for the week and the year. they're only regret now is that they didn't get to know me sooner and I share this regret.
Christopher Hampton once wrote, "Regret is an essential component of happiness," and thus this applies directly to my life. I have regrets from this year and many others in my life. But my faith and self acceptance is helping me to learn that those things that I regret are only making me strong and wiser, and eventually happier. It has been a hard freshman year but it is closing in a place that I am very happy with. The question is not where do I end, but where do I begin? This is not the end of my life or college career or time at Western Oregon University, just the end of my freshman year. But so many great new beginnings are just upon the horizon. As a friend told me recently, "the most dangerous prayer to say is 'God give me what you got' for you have no idea what he will throw at you. But it is the best prayer because God will always give you what is best in the end." And this is true. I have no idea what God has in-store for me, but I am confident it will be for the best. and so I leave you with this prayer:
God give me whatcha got....!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Blow Gabriel Blow
I haven't written in almost two months now, which is due to the fact that I've been too upset to write as well as too busy. Winter term is finally over and the three classes from Hell that I never thought would end. Miraculously I passed with a B+ in Writing 135, C+ in Literature of Western Europe, and an A in Cultural Anthropology. How this happened I will never know, but none of these classes were easy. I've done all the writing I am required to do for now, so it is on to the next levels of Literature and Anthropology in just three days.
I became an active member with the Christ Church and their choir. Soon I'll be doing a solo instead of the typical choir performance on Sundays. Recently, I was practicing my solo with the choir director and he said something to me that no one else ever has. He said my singing voice sounded nothing like my speaking voice. I considered that a compliment at first, especially since my own voice sounds like Edna from "The Incredibles". He then said to me that I should always sound like myself and not someone else because that's the voice that God gave me, and that's the voice that will sing God's praises. The next run through of the song came through perfectly.
Finding my voice truly has been the problem. I want to sing God's praises in all aspects of my life, and yet few people seem to understand that. They can't see how a gay guy can want any connection to God. Why not? Does Gabriel need to come down from heaven, blow his horn and announce to all humanity that God loves all his children and accepts them all? I thought that was a given. A Christian friend of mine who was raised to believe homosexuality is sinful, but is trying to be open-minded, asked me why I not pray for God to make straight. I told him I had done that all my life. I thought God had made some mistake and that I needed to pray my sexuality away. It wasn't until I finally accepted it, that I realized this was a blessing from God. God is too clever to show blessings upfront to the world, he hides them so individuals can find them and rejoice in their discoveries. Satan is clever as well. He doesn't show sin to the world, he disguises it so that people fall into and get trapped. Homosexuality is not a sin cause it is not something you fall into and it is far to obvious to be sin. To truly glorify God, you have to not look at the surface of a person, but beyond and into their soul, cause that is where you will find true sin and true holiness. I am learning to speak, and sing, from my soul so that my voice can be God's instrument and hopefully someday people will see that. And if they don't, I think God has Gabriel on stand-by.
I became an active member with the Christ Church and their choir. Soon I'll be doing a solo instead of the typical choir performance on Sundays. Recently, I was practicing my solo with the choir director and he said something to me that no one else ever has. He said my singing voice sounded nothing like my speaking voice. I considered that a compliment at first, especially since my own voice sounds like Edna from "The Incredibles". He then said to me that I should always sound like myself and not someone else because that's the voice that God gave me, and that's the voice that will sing God's praises. The next run through of the song came through perfectly.
Finding my voice truly has been the problem. I want to sing God's praises in all aspects of my life, and yet few people seem to understand that. They can't see how a gay guy can want any connection to God. Why not? Does Gabriel need to come down from heaven, blow his horn and announce to all humanity that God loves all his children and accepts them all? I thought that was a given. A Christian friend of mine who was raised to believe homosexuality is sinful, but is trying to be open-minded, asked me why I not pray for God to make straight. I told him I had done that all my life. I thought God had made some mistake and that I needed to pray my sexuality away. It wasn't until I finally accepted it, that I realized this was a blessing from God. God is too clever to show blessings upfront to the world, he hides them so individuals can find them and rejoice in their discoveries. Satan is clever as well. He doesn't show sin to the world, he disguises it so that people fall into and get trapped. Homosexuality is not a sin cause it is not something you fall into and it is far to obvious to be sin. To truly glorify God, you have to not look at the surface of a person, but beyond and into their soul, cause that is where you will find true sin and true holiness. I am learning to speak, and sing, from my soul so that my voice can be God's instrument and hopefully someday people will see that. And if they don't, I think God has Gabriel on stand-by.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
What'll I do?
The first month of second term has finally past and i don't know what to make of it. I have now become an active member of the Christ Church and their choir, I went on the Wednesday Night Bible Study Men's Retreat, I have joined the WOU Safe Zone, I joined Poetry Club, I've started the ground work for a gay-friendly church group on campus, I started a relationship with an older man, and a close friend of mine almost got killed.
The music director at Christ Church identifies as queer and does a lot for members of the gay-christian community, both in and out of the church. Through him I met a guy twice my age that has become slightly more than a friend to me. We thought of being boy-friends, but realized soon that we were in different parts of our lives and that forming that kind of relationship just wouldn't work. So now we are just friends. The music director frowned on our relationship from the beginning, but I feel he was just looking out for me. Maybe I do have some family in this town after all.
I was skeptical to attend this all-men christian retreat a few weekends back, for fear my sexuality would become an issue with the group. I resorted to my age old saying, "When you take a chance in life, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen, but if you don't take a chance, nothing happens," resulting in me going on the retreat. I can honestly say I am in a state of shock. These guys are so warm and so loving. You'd think a bunch of buff male athletes who happen to be Christian wouldn't be as loving as this, but they truly treat their brothers in faith as if they were actually brothers. We stayed at a lodge about a half hour from Monmouth, truly the middle of no where, but the isolation was ideal. The weekend involved pigging out as college men do, hours of prayer, and the most mischievous game of Capture the Flag I have ever played. I wonder where men like this have been all my life, I also wonder why no one up to this point has actually treated me like a man. As a gay guy, people often overlook that desire, but we all secretly want it. Naturally I wonder if the weekend had been different if they all knew I was gay, but I'd rather they know me and know my faith, not my sexuality. My sexuality is a part of me not all of me. I feel I can tell them all in time, but when and where I can not yet say.
As for my friend, she has a close bond with another girl whom she sees a lot of her younger self in. This has led her to enter into a poisonous relationship with the other girl, in which that girl has had total control over here. I warned my friend to not let it go too far, but the other night they wee fighting while on the road. The girls tried to get my friend to shut up by covering her mouth while she was driving. My friend then had to slap her to get her off and keep them from going off the road. As of now, neither me nor my friend is speaking to the girl.
I am reluctant to continue to attend poetry club because lately I've been so focused on on this other stuff that I can't think straight enough to write a poem. I am amazed I can write anything now. So much is happening and I don't even know how I get from day to day. I pray that an answer will come to me at some point, because now, I don't know what to do.
The music director at Christ Church identifies as queer and does a lot for members of the gay-christian community, both in and out of the church. Through him I met a guy twice my age that has become slightly more than a friend to me. We thought of being boy-friends, but realized soon that we were in different parts of our lives and that forming that kind of relationship just wouldn't work. So now we are just friends. The music director frowned on our relationship from the beginning, but I feel he was just looking out for me. Maybe I do have some family in this town after all.
I was skeptical to attend this all-men christian retreat a few weekends back, for fear my sexuality would become an issue with the group. I resorted to my age old saying, "When you take a chance in life, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen, but if you don't take a chance, nothing happens," resulting in me going on the retreat. I can honestly say I am in a state of shock. These guys are so warm and so loving. You'd think a bunch of buff male athletes who happen to be Christian wouldn't be as loving as this, but they truly treat their brothers in faith as if they were actually brothers. We stayed at a lodge about a half hour from Monmouth, truly the middle of no where, but the isolation was ideal. The weekend involved pigging out as college men do, hours of prayer, and the most mischievous game of Capture the Flag I have ever played. I wonder where men like this have been all my life, I also wonder why no one up to this point has actually treated me like a man. As a gay guy, people often overlook that desire, but we all secretly want it. Naturally I wonder if the weekend had been different if they all knew I was gay, but I'd rather they know me and know my faith, not my sexuality. My sexuality is a part of me not all of me. I feel I can tell them all in time, but when and where I can not yet say.
As for my friend, she has a close bond with another girl whom she sees a lot of her younger self in. This has led her to enter into a poisonous relationship with the other girl, in which that girl has had total control over here. I warned my friend to not let it go too far, but the other night they wee fighting while on the road. The girls tried to get my friend to shut up by covering her mouth while she was driving. My friend then had to slap her to get her off and keep them from going off the road. As of now, neither me nor my friend is speaking to the girl.
I am reluctant to continue to attend poetry club because lately I've been so focused on on this other stuff that I can't think straight enough to write a poem. I am amazed I can write anything now. So much is happening and I don't even know how I get from day to day. I pray that an answer will come to me at some point, because now, I don't know what to do.
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Glamorous Life
It has now been one week since my return to Monmouth. As for my friends, I haven't seen but a few and no one is in the mood for socializing it seems. I have a hunch that few are happy to be back in this hell-hole of a place that we somehow call a university. I am excited for my classes this term; writing, anthropology, literature of western Europe, and I even managed to get private voice lessons! It seems as my academics increase in quality, my personal life makes the opposite turn on the spectrum. I have quit attending the Escape. The minister and I are incapable of coming to any sort of understanding. He seems to want to give me the answers to everything as if that is his job description as a minister.
Here is a note to all the clergy of the world, your job is not to give us the answers! People go to church because they have questions, but if they cannot find the answers for themselves, than they can never grow in faith nor as human beings. The job of the minister is not to give us the answers, but the tools for us to find them on our own. That is the only reason I bother going. I am no perfect Christian and I could never pretend to be. But I refuse to have someone tell me they know what I need to be happy. Only I can come to that conclusion.
In my absence from the Escape, I have attended another church on Wednesday nights. The minster was at one point a drug-addict and alcoholic who had quite a significant turning point. He is much more fun and in my opinion much more reasonable as is the leader of his worship team. A retreat is to be held soon for the men of the congregation. It will be an opportunity to open up and get closer with the men that attend. I don't know what to do. I used to not have a problem with being open about my sexuality and could tell anyone. But after the fiasco with the Escape, I don't want to ruin what feels so good. But if I open up on this retreat, I know it will come up, for my faith and my sexual identity have always been one in the same. Do I risk getting hurt again or take a literal leap of faith? I just don't know.
Though I have met with the minister of the Christ Church here in Monmouth. He is very accepting man and his church is the only in this area to be listed on the gay-friendly church registry. He invited me to the service and even offered to help me start a gay or gay-friendly congregation here on campus. I love the idea, but it merely seems like an alternative to the problem rather than fixing the current one. Is this my only option or should I become the Martin Luther King of the gay Christian community.
I am in a tight spot and its getting tighter. It could get better, it could be worse... If I brought my parents into this, they would just tell me to focus on school and my health. Perhaps I should and perhaps I should do something to fix all this. My life isn't the worse it could be at this moment in time, but it seems as though it can't get anymore glamorous than this.
Here is a note to all the clergy of the world, your job is not to give us the answers! People go to church because they have questions, but if they cannot find the answers for themselves, than they can never grow in faith nor as human beings. The job of the minister is not to give us the answers, but the tools for us to find them on our own. That is the only reason I bother going. I am no perfect Christian and I could never pretend to be. But I refuse to have someone tell me they know what I need to be happy. Only I can come to that conclusion.
In my absence from the Escape, I have attended another church on Wednesday nights. The minster was at one point a drug-addict and alcoholic who had quite a significant turning point. He is much more fun and in my opinion much more reasonable as is the leader of his worship team. A retreat is to be held soon for the men of the congregation. It will be an opportunity to open up and get closer with the men that attend. I don't know what to do. I used to not have a problem with being open about my sexuality and could tell anyone. But after the fiasco with the Escape, I don't want to ruin what feels so good. But if I open up on this retreat, I know it will come up, for my faith and my sexual identity have always been one in the same. Do I risk getting hurt again or take a literal leap of faith? I just don't know.
Though I have met with the minister of the Christ Church here in Monmouth. He is very accepting man and his church is the only in this area to be listed on the gay-friendly church registry. He invited me to the service and even offered to help me start a gay or gay-friendly congregation here on campus. I love the idea, but it merely seems like an alternative to the problem rather than fixing the current one. Is this my only option or should I become the Martin Luther King of the gay Christian community.
I am in a tight spot and its getting tighter. It could get better, it could be worse... If I brought my parents into this, they would just tell me to focus on school and my health. Perhaps I should and perhaps I should do something to fix all this. My life isn't the worse it could be at this moment in time, but it seems as though it can't get anymore glamorous than this.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)